


touch

by eixsweom



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:33:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26395714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eixsweom/pseuds/eixsweom
Summary: Shinji never knew how it felt to be loved. That is, until he met Kaworu.Takes place in 3.0.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 206





	touch

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic ever (and i have no experience with writing at all) so be nice  
> i also wrote this a year ago while procrastinating in class and only now decided to post it
> 
> edit 11/27/20: wtf how did this get over 100 kudos

“I really was born to meet you.”

For a moment, the Earth seemed to stop spinning.

For a moment, everything seemed to stop, and nothing else mattered.

For a moment, Shinji felt an unfamiliar feeling. He couldn’t quite describe it, but it made him feel warm inside. A strange heat made its way to his face. The way the silver-haired boy beside him gazed at him affectionately made his heart beat fast.

Shinji stares in shock at the boy before him. Kaworu’s crimson eyes seemed to shine in the dark, shining with what he thinks is… genuine affection. Not knowing what to do next, Shinji finds himself staring, admiring the boy’s perfect features. From his silver hair glistening in the moonlight to his pale skin. Someone like that had said that he was born to meet him. To this, Shinji can’t bring himself to respond. How could he possibly respond to that?

Afraid of ruining the moment, all he can say is “...Kaworu…”

The wind starts to pick up with a howl. Shinji shivers as the cold air travels past his body. He watches how Kaworu’s hair flows in the wind, and notices how ethereal it looks.

He reminds him of an angel. Not the horrifying, world-destroying monstrosities Shinji had been fighting, but the ones he’d always seen in paintings--with halos and white robes. If such beings existed, Kaworu was definitely one of them.

Kaworu sits up, leaning on his hands, and says, “It’s getting quite cold. We should go back.”

Shinji’s heart beats faster. His mind starts scrambling. A sudden kind moment like this was very unusual, and left him yearning for more. He wanted to keep talking with Kaworu-- to hear him say more nice things, to further validate his existence. To show him love.

_Wait._

Shinji quickly gets up, trying to gather the courage to ask something. He doesn’t know just what to ask, but what he does know is that he wants Kaworu to stay with him, just a little longer.

_Don’t. Not yet._

Kaworu stands up, dusting off his pants and turning his gaze towards Shinji.

“Thank you for tonight. I had a lot of fun,” Kaworu smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Shinji.”

Kaworu turns around, getting ready to head back. Shinji takes in a sharp breath, afraid of the thought of Kaworu leaving. He couldn’t stand it. Not right now.

_Please, just a little longer--!_

“Kaworu!” he calls, cheeks flustered and hot.

Kaworu turns back to look at Shinji, lightly cocking his head. “What is it?”

Shinji’s face reddens as he stands, hands shaking. He doesn’t know why, but he can’t bring himself to look Kaworu in the eyes. He stares at the ground for a while, collecting his thoughts. He takes a deep breath.

“Um… if you don’t mind…” Shinji slowly looks up, his eyes hesitantly making their way to Kaworu’s face. “..Could I... come to your place?”

Kaworu doesn’t say anything. His mouth is open, as if he wants to say something. He closes it, looking as though he’s trying to think of what to say next. This was unusual, as Kaworu was not the type of person to think very hard about something. Shinji thinks he could see a bit of shock in the other boy’s face. Shinji’s mind instantly regrets everything he had just said. He couldn’t tell whether the look on Kaworu’s face was a look of confusion, surprise, annoyance, or what. Well, to be fair, he could never tell what Kaworu was thinking.

_Oh god. He’s probably thinking I’m being annoying right now._

Shinji’s heart rate increases even more. The sound of his heart beating seems to grow louder. He wonders if Kaworu could hear it. He hoped not.

_I’m asking too much--I already made him go out of his way to stay here tonight, and still, I--_

Kaworu’s mouth curves into a smile. “Of course.”

Shinji sighs a breath of relief and responds with a small, nervous smile. His heart, still beating fast, calms down a bit, and his hands shake less. Kaworu leads the way, and Shinji follows, a few steps behind.

\------------

The two boys stand in front of the door of Kaworu’s room. Unsurprisingly, it was a plain, metal door that blended in with the barren surroundings. Shinji’s body is shivering, not just from the cold, but from the nerve-wracking trip. He couldn’t help but feel incredibly nervous.

_Wow. I actually made it this far._

“It’s not much to look at, but please, make yourself comfortable.” Kaworu opens the door, gesturing for Shinji to come inside. Shinji hesitantly walks through the door, preparing himself for--what, exactly? He didn’t know. He didn’t quite think this far.

Shinji steps inside, greeted by warm air that made him feel a bit more relaxed, and looks around the room. He notices that it looks exactly like his, with the same red floor and white walls. He looked at the bed at the back of the room, neatly arranged. That was the only thing different about his room. Shinji’s bed looked the opposite--the results of the constant twisting and turning in his sleep. The small, uncomfortable mattress seemed to confine him, and something about it just didn’t feel right. But Kaworu’s bed seemed different. Somehow, it looked like it’d be nice to lay on and relax into, even if there really wasn’t anything different about it.

Maybe… it was because it belonged to Kaworu.

“You can sit there if you’d like.” Kaworu seemed to read Shinji’s mind.

Shinji jumps a little at the sudden noise interrupting his thoughts. He hesitates a bit, and then makes his way over to the bed. He lowers himself, slowly. His fingers nervously clutch the sheets. He sits there, staring at the ground, not knowing what to do next.

Now what? He finally dug up the courage to ask Kaworu if he could stay over, but what was he going to do? Just sit there? If anything, he was just being a bother. Or so he thought. He never really could tell what the mysterious silver-haired boy was thinking, but his self-hatred doubted the fact that anyone would ever enjoy his company.

_Awkward…_

His thoughts are interrupted again when he notices a weight pulling the bed down. Kaworu was sitting beside him, his legs crossed. Shinji flinches a bit, blushing as he realizes how close they are. This kind of situation wasn’t exactly something he was used to.

_Sitting side-by-side like this-- isn’t this a bit…_

Shinji notices that his body feels more sluggish than usual. His legs are weak, and his eyes are starting to feel heavy. A small yawn escapes his mouth. Just now, he realizes how long they had been outside in the cold. It had taken quite a toll on his frail body.

“Are you tired?”

Shinji turns to look at Kaworu, whose face showed hints of concern. It made his heart melt a little.

“Oh, um,” Shinji stutters, not wanting to worry the other boy. “Just a little.”

He worried that it might be time to leave already, that Kaworu was trying to get him to go back. He was just being a bother, sitting here, doing nothing--

“If you want, you can use my bed,” Kaworu says without hesitation, smiling.

Shinji gapes in shock. In all fourteen years of his life--not including the fourteen years he’d spent practically comatose in space--he’d never used a friend’s bed. He couldn’t even recall the last time he went to a friend’s house.

“Huh? I-I couldn’t!” Shinji sputters as his mind starts scrambling. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to mess it up or anything!”

“It’s alright. I don’t mind,” Kaworu’s smile didn’t fade, and his eyes radiated pure warmth.

Shinji holds his breath for a moment, trying to figure out how he should respond. A situation like this was totally foreign to him. Out of all of the things that could’ve happened, this was one of the things he expected the least--and was the least prepared for. Now that he thought about it, Kaworu’s warmth and kindness was something he still wasn’t used to. He’d been opening up, little-by-little, but this was a little too fast. The thought of laying his body onto something someone so perfect used every day made his pulse quicken.

_Me? Using Kaworu’s bed?_

His heart wanted to say “yes”, but his mind wanted to say “no”.

Shinji’s mind drifts to thoughts of Kaworu using this bed. Kaworu sleeping peacefully, engraving his scent into the sheets. His slow, quiet breaths as he slept. Shinji’s face heats up again, and he quickly dismisses these thoughts, ashamed of what he was just thinking. He mentally slapped himself for thinking of such shameful thoughts about a friend--a guy, to be exact.

He looks away, unable to bring himself to meet Kaworu’s piercing red eyes. He could feel the other boy’s gaze seeing right through him. Kaworu always did seem to have the strange ability to always say exactly what he wanted to hear. He figured that Kaworu would never lie about not minding. After all, Kaworu was always so kind, always putting Shinji’s needs before his own. It’d be rude to decline a genuine offer of his.

“...Fine. If it’s really okay with you…”

\--------

The lights are off. The room was filled with darkness, silent except for the sound of light breathing and the occasional shuffling of sheets. It was as if the only two beings in existence at this moment were Shinji Ikari and Kaworu Nagisa.

A moment like this was new to Shinji. His heart couldn’t handle it.

“Having trouble sleeping?” Kaworu breaks the silence. Again, he seemed to possess the ability to read minds.

The two boys were laying on the bed, facing away from each other. The small mattress barely fit both of them. Beneath the covers, their legs lightly brushed each other. Their backs met. Shinji was wide awake. He was used to sleeping alone, with the comforting sound of his tape player lulling him to sleep.

_“Of course I am! How could I possibly sleep in a situation like this!?”_ He wanted to say.

“I guess…” Shinji says, quietly.

He pauses for a moment, wondering if he should keep talking.

“Actually, I haven’t been able to sleep very well at all ever since I came here.”

Kaworu responds with a thoughtful hum.

“I’ve just… had so much on my mind.” Shinji’s voice starts to pick up as he starts to open up. “Ever since I came back, so much has happened. Everybody seems like a different person.” He slowly lifts his hand to feel the collar on his neck. “People who were once so close to me now want me dead. It’s just…” his voice starts choking up. “I can’t handle any of this…! I just wanted to save Ayanami.. So why?... Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this?...”

For a moment, the room is silent. For some reason, being able to vent his feelings like this made him feel some sort of relief. There was something about Kaworu that lowered Shinji’s defenses. The walls he’d built up came crashing down when he was around him. Kaworu always listened, never criticizing, never judging. His voice was always so comforting to hear, like the sound of music.

Shinji hears shuffling behind him.

“You don’t deserve this, Shinji.”

Shinji gasps, and turns around. He’s face-to-face with Kaworu now. He finds himself staring at Kaworu’s beautiful eyes that seemed to glow in the darkness. He could hardly see in the dark, but he could almost feel the warmth and affection radiating from Kaworu’s smile. Kaworu’s silver tufts of hair covered part of his face, but the way Kaworu looked at him caused Shinji’s heart to melt--again. A tear makes its way down Shinji’s cheek.

“You see, I’ve always wished for your happiness.” Kaworu reaches out and gently wipes the tear away. Shinji flinches a bit at the sudden physical contact, but doesn’t protest.

“When I first saw you, I knew exactly what I wanted to do,” Kaworu’s hand moves, caressing Shinji’s face. “I thought, ‘I swear to bring you happiness.’”

Kaworu closes his eyes, smiling, as if recalling nice memories.

“I’d been waiting for you. For 29 years, all I could do was simply watch from afar. So when I saw you return in Unit 1, I was so happy.”

_He saw?_

“You were like a shooting star, that night,” Kaworu continues, his voice soft and quiet.

“Kaworu…” Shinji whispers, his eyes starting to tear up again. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It all felt too good to be true. He imagined Kaworu, sitting at the piano, lonely. Having nothing else to do or anyone to talk to. For fourteen long years. He started thinking that maybe, the two of them weren’t so different after all.

_He was… waiting for me._

_He wanted to see me._

_He was… happy to see me._

Tears well up, and Shinji can no longer hold them back. The tears start falling, one-by-one, as he lets out choked sobs. Everything--Misato telling him not to do anything, Asuka saying it was “none of his damn business”, the way Ayanami didn’t seem to know anything--The emotions he had built up finally let loose, and were drifting away with the tears. His fragile heart was utterly defenseless. As he sobs, Kaworu gently wraps his arms around him, slowly pulling him closer. Kaworu lets Shinji bury his head against his chest, wetting his shirt a little. Lifting one of his hands, Kaworu affectionately strokes the top of Shinji’s head, softly.

“Everything will be alright, Shinji.” Kaworu’s voice is almost like a whisper now, comforting and soft. It reminds Shinji of the way a mother would soothe a crying child.

Shinji gasps, “Why… Kaworu?”

“Why… are you so good to me?”

_Someone like me doesn’t deserve any of this._

_I don’t deserve to be loved._

_I don’t deserve him._

“Because I love you, Shinji.”

At that moment, the world seemed to stop.

The words “I love you” were something Shinji was not used to hearing. His mouth opened, and then closed. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He didn’t know what to say. Hearing those words from a boy he’d only known for a few weeks made his heart do things he couldn’t describe. But it wasn’t just anyone--it was Kaworu. The fact that it was him gave those three simple words so much more impact. He never realized before just how starved of love he was until now. He couldn’t recall the last time anyone had even said they liked him. But Kaworu said those words so easily, without any sort of hesitation. For some reason, it felt… familiar. He wanted more. He craved more.

“Kaworu… could you say that again?” Shinji whispers.

“I love you, Shinji,” Kaworu doesn’t hesitate, speaking as if he’d said that to him hundreds of times before. Shinji couldn’t comprehend how Kaworu could just… love so effortlessly. Especially someone like him.

“...Really?”

“Yes. More than anything.” Kaworu continues to stroke the other boy’s hair, his voice like a soothing lullaby in the darkness.

“Why?”

“Didn’t I tell you? I was born to meet you.”

Shinji doesn’t really understand, but he doesn’t care. All that matters to him was that someone told him they loved him.

“Kaworu… I…”

“I-I… I love you too…” Shinji speaks so quietly, it’s almost like a whisper.

“I know,” Kaworu hums affectionately in response, holding Shinji closer to him. Shinji lifts his arms and returns the gesture, wrapping his arms around Kaworu’s back. The two boys embrace each other, taking in each other, becoming one.

“I think, at this moment,” Shinji says, a small smile forming on his face. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Kaworu gives Shinji a small kiss on the forehead and says, “Yes. So am I.”

And the two boys fall asleep like that, curled up against each other, holding each other close, enjoying the warmth of embracing another person. Shinji had never realized just how good holding another human being could feel. After being starved of affection for so long, --something so intimate--something so human was like a miracle to him.

For a moment, Shinji felt loved. He forgot about Evas, about his father, about the Third Impact, about everything else. Nothing else mattered. The only thing that mattered was that Kaworu was holding him, and at this moment, Shinji was loved.


End file.
